Mostly because I've only told two people out of fear of making others worry and out of shame because I couldn't practice what I preach, but it's the right time to say this
So, I had one of the worst weeks of my life recently.
I'd never been faced with such a horrible depression and such worry.
It was really, really scary because for the first time I actually contemplated suicide and considered going through with it.
I'm really against suicide. I always feel like things will get better no matter what you're situation and the fact that I almost let myself give in over something ridiculous.
That's not what I'm ashamed of though.
I always tell people that there is always an alternative to cutting, and that you don't have to give into self-harm.
Unfortunately,
I gave in.
I didn't draw blood because I was afraid it would scar and people will know my secret.
The thought never left my mind.
"Just use your exacto knife."
"It's in the drawer."
"Why else will you need it?"
It took all of my strength to not use it.
I've used a mechanical pencil, the pointy side of a tube, a broken piece of plastic, and even the edge of a plastic spoon.
I actually broke skin with the spoon.
I knew I needed to pray.
I knew there was an answer I needed, but I just kept putting it off, feeling too depressed to even move.
Then, one of my closest friends texted me. It was weird because that morning I was happy. The night before, someone else had talked to me until 1 am just to make sure I was okay, and I figured the next day I was just happy because of that.
Even though I still cried myself to sleep.
I sat in my theory class, restraining myself from bursting into tears as I revealed my secret for the first time.
She didn't overreact.
She told me she loved me and said a prayer for me.
When I got home, baffled by what had happened, I finally said that prayer and got the answers I needed to hear.
And that night she sent her sister over to my house to give me a present, showing they both supported me.
And the one person I hate the most,
Appologized.
I don't have a grudge to hold onto anymore.
I'm so happy now.
I still have the urges to cut,
But everything is easier now.
Knowing that I'll be okay, and that I have a support system, makes all the difference.
So I guess the purpose of this blog is that things really do get better, but sometimes you can't wait for those things to happen.
You need to tell people when you need help and not be afraid of how they'll react.
Taking matters into your own hands can provide your happiness.
Faith without works is dead.
So don't forget that no matter who or what you believe in,
You will always have a savior,
Even if He needs to work through you.
Your a Earl of Sweets,
Ciel Phantomhive
