Late Nights and Bug Bites

You know, despite my engagement to Lady Elizabeth Midford, I don't understand the concept of love.

I mean, why spend so much time obsessing over one person when you're better off on your own?

Besides, you're going to get hurt anyway. Whether it's intentional or not, you will be offended by someone you love.

Either that or they die in a fire...

I really should be getting some sleep, but another prompting arises and alerts me to write a blog

About bug bites.

You see, there's this sort of "bug"

I'm not sure if it's real or not

But it seems to be affecting my writer profusely

And it all started at a bowling alley with a song request.

My writer had already been bummed out that day. They desperately wanted to be with the person they met online, but nobody approved. No one supported their feelings, and it was really upsetting.

Then, my writer decides to go bowling with their parents and best friend.

Then, some idiot over the intercom calls themselves a "DJ" and insists that people come to the counter and write song requests.

Of course, my writer loves certain performers as opposed to the crap on the radio you humans consider music. So they couldn't resist the offer.

Going up to the counter, they begin to write a couple of songs on that list. They glance at the DJ, give them a friendly smile, and think to themselves, "man...they're kind of cute."

Suddenly, they start talking to my writer.

Now, my writer is open to conversations,

But I don't recall the DJ having permission to just start talking...

Anyway, they make a comment about a certain apparel my writer was wearing. It had to do with their religion, which was sort of nice that someone recognized it without bashing it for once.

When my writer wasn't returning to the lane for their turn, their best friend got impatient and sort of honed in on the conversation.

Then, seeing the opportunity, the DJ gave them a card to do a survey and get free stuff.

I mean, free stuff, that doesn't seem to shabby.

As soon as my writer and their friend walked away, the friend immediately turns and says "We are getting their number tonight."

My writer wanted to argue, after all, they loved someone else, but maybe a date couldn't hurt.

So after irritating the poor soul the remainder of the night, they finally got their number.

It took a while for them to actually talk to my writer, since their best friend is the one that usually ends up with people, but when my writer didn't text them one day, the DJ got some sort of separation anxiety.

My writer was quite miffed

They had been interrupted from a much-needed nap.

Well, after a few minutes trying to console this stranger, an offer came up.

If my writer came in to bowl, then the DJ would give it to them for free.

Of course, they had to bring their best friend, but they brought a date so my writer can be alone with this new "love interest." It was a quiet night so the DJ wasn't really needed for anything.

It was my writers birthday that day.

And apparently they are at "good age."

After talking the whole night, my writer found themselves with a date for that following Tuesday.

And then the next Tuesday

And the Saturday after that.

But wait,

Is it wrong to be with this person after confessing their love to someone online? 

Someone they've known longer and better than anyone?

Well...they didn't know.

It was scary...because with all of this confusion, more self-harm started.

Things started getting bad, so they prayed.

My writer tends to get a lot of answers that they need through prayer, because that's just how much faith they have in their God.

I personally don't pray because I don't get caught up in stupid crap like this, but you know they probably have a point to all of this nonsense.

The feeling they got was really peaceful.

In fact, they hadn't felt that confident or happy before in their whole life.

They had to make a choice, and the DJ was the one they needed in their life.

And they haven't left their side since then.

*Writer*

It's still scary for me. I still feel the attraction to my internet friend, and to be honest I don't think I will ever stop loving them. But the life I want to live wouldn't work with them. I'd be asking a lot of them, and I'm not willing to compromise some of these things.

With the DJ, I don't have to compromise anything.

I sometimes wonder if the feelings I have are just me conforming to a label, the exact thing my friend wanted to avoid.

But if it looks like a duck

It sounds like a duck

And it walks like a duck

Then it's probably a duck.

*Ciel*

You're such an idiot*

*Writer*

Shush, little boy.

*Ciel*

Just finish this stupid blog post already, I'm very tired.

*Writer*

FINE

Anyway, tonight I wanted to write about my beloved because they actually give me hope and reason in life.

I don't have the urge to cut anymore 

I can be myself

And I don't have to worry about whether or not they love me back.

I don't mean to offend my internet friend at all, but I was constantly afraid. I was afraid that they were mad at me and didn't want to talk.

I was afraid that I had pushed them away because of this new person that had suddenly entered my life.

I was constantly afraid, and it's nobody's fault but mine.

While I love them, I didn't love them enough to completely and entirely trust them, and any relationship where there isn't trust is bound to fall.

I love them

But I can't be with them

They are my poison 

But only because I react poorly to the side effects of their love.

The thing about me and this DJ is that while it's only been a few months, so much has happened between us.

Everytime I see them, I light up.

I'm always nervous and get butterflies whenever I see them.

I'm the happiest I've ever been.

*Ciel*

You see, this is what happens when the fangs of an insect with infectious feelings of infection penetrate your skin.

You start acting delusional and stupid.

Your stomach is infected with air bubbles and you're so high up in the clouds that you think butterflies are in your stomach.

*Writer*

Are you trying say I've been bitten by a love bug?

*Ciel*

Call it what you want, but my message is clear,

People who have "fallen in love" are idiots

Just look at Grelle.

*Writer*

No, that's not the point.

*Ciel* 

Then make it before I throw your phone.

*Writer*

Goodness gracious, you are an impatient child.

Anyway, the point of this blog post is if you're laying in your bed, looking through your news feed, trying to comment on somebody's post because the Internet makes you feel complete because reL friends are jerks,

I hope you will just stop and click on this link so I can tell you this.

I didn't share this story to brag about my new relationship.

I shared this with you because it took another person in my life to make me feel complete.

Sometimes we all feel empty, scared, and confused, especially when facing complicated obstacles.

You will never be truly alone if you just keep your eyes and mind open. 

Yes, it's true that you will get hurt

But you know, it's for your own good.

I've already been hurt because of a misunderstanding, but that has just made this relationship stronger.

The point of love isn't always about obsessing over someone else.

It's about looking out for your own well-being by helping someone else create one of their own.

You don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend to find love.

It can be a family member, a best friend, or someone you've babysat since they were a little baby.

Love comes in different ways, shapes, and forms.

True love saves you from yourself

And gives you a reason to look forward to tomorrow.

Now, since it is quite late for me, I fear I must retire now.

And don't worry,

Love is everywhere, just keep your eyes open when you look for it.

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive 

Death is Peaceful

This hiatus of mine is ridiculous.

I've been upset over nothing, and pushing my friends away because I selfishly avoid Twitter so I can wallow in my self pity.

Horrible person I am.

It's been a long time since I've been on my other RP accounts, and I know I've let some people down.

I've had these constant thoughts about dying so I wouldn't be a bother to anyone anymore.

The epitome of peace is death, and there is nothing I wish for more than to satisfy that craving of my mind and body to be completely and utterly lifeless.

However,

My spirit is terrified of death, and while I just want a taste, I know that nothing will be sweeter and everything else will be bland.

But how long will it take before death becomes bland to me?

I can only understand what it means for something to be sweet if I had tasted something sour and bitter.

For the past few weeks, I have become bitter in bitter situations, and sour when things are no longer sweet because I started to reflect my conflicts on the outside because I was on the threshold of giving up.

And I was wrong.

I was wrong for thinking I can just run away from my problems.

It was wrong for me to believe the words my demons whisper for me.

I was wrong for faltering away from the advice I give out so freely.

I was wrong for using these blogs to complain about my life.

They are here for me to help you.

And I've been taking advantage of this power by having my own pity party.

What made Twitter and these blogs special is that I had the opportunity to help out a lot of people and share my wisdom.

And I know school keeps me busy, but I love going onto Twitter.

I love talking to my friends.

I love speaking to all of you because the world on my handheld device is more beautiful and welcoming than the one I wake up to.

So I promise, right now, on March 28, 2016, 9:47 P.M., that the Ciel Phantomhive you fantasize about, dream to meet, and wish was real will come to you. I'll go back onto my other accounts because RP is something I am passionate about.

In fact, 

I'm passionate about all of you.

My school gets out the last week of April, so I will definitely be on more when that time comes.

Continuing on that note, one of my favorite anime characters once said "If you truly want to escape the everyday, you must constantly evolve."

I need to let these hard times mold me to become better, not bitter. I know that this depression won't go away overnight, but I finally understand that the life I live, in real life and on Twitter, is a paradise. My life isn't that bad, in fact, things are good for me right now.

Just like a person walking for the first time after being in a wheelchair for a long time, I'm learning how to smile again.

And I know this smile will form quicker by committing to you all once more.

Forever Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive