An Unpopular Opinion on Mental Health

Hello little Phantomhives,

Getting back out there has been difficult. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to roleplay with me so far and look forward to what else we can conjure with one another. Anyway, I just wanted to share a personal opinion, and just sort of explain a bit of a mission in my life.

I've recently been through a really big change, seeing that a neurological condition of mine was cured after eight years of what was, to me, a living hell. It's called Sensory Processing Disorder, and every day noises felt like getting stabbed in the head and certain textures and smells would give me headaches. I'm very, very lucky to have had this infliction taken from me, because this is something that cannot be easily taken away. How it happened is a bit personal, and if you want to know, go ahead and message me with the perspective that I am a very religious person, but that is beside the point.

Since I was diagnosed with it, I made it a goal to bring awareness to the struggles that people face every day when it came to mental disorders. I spent a lot of time studying abnormal psychology and having long discussions with others about what they go through.

That being said, I want to point out that there is a difference between being an asshole and being a narcissit.

I really do my best not to get "triggered" or "offended" over things, but I have to admit that while other people are getting angry over the misuse of gender pronouns, I'm getting angry over the misuse of "narcissist." Guys, narcissism is a very, very real thing, and it is probably one of the saddest mental conditions out there.

Before you argue about it not being a real thing, I want to take a minute to explain what exactly goes on in a narcisst's head. While people with anxiety are plagued with worry, and people with depression are plagued with sadness and thoughts of suicide, narcissists are trapped in a perpetual state of believing they are worthless. The symptoms of being condescending, vain, and overall difficult to deal with is because they are constantly battling these degrading thoughts and and a fear that every bad thing they think they are is true.

Here's a scenario to help make some sense of that. So a little boy, let's call him Jonathan, always does good in school. He receives praise from his parents and his teachers, he has a wall in his bedroom lined with academic awards, and he does his best to become a really smart person. One day, his brother (or someone generally close to him) says some very terrible things about how Jonathan is stupid, a waste of space, and several other verbally abusive things. Instead of thinking "wow, my brother is a jerk," Jonathan, who really loves and looks up to his brother, thinks "he saw right through me."

So, Jonathan panics, and thinks that if his brother recognizes that he's worthless, then everyone is else is going to see it too. Jonathan spends most of the night trying to create an image of an ideal person in his head. He's fairly young, so he thinks that his teacher is a good example. They're smart, they have a job so they make money, and they have a lot of control, since they can assign grades and who gets to go to detention. Jonathan starts getting an idea in his head that if he is like his teacher, then all of the bad stuff about him can't possibly be true. He goes on like this for a little while, acting smart, capable, and  unfortunately, controlling. He starts feeling good about himself because he's starting to believe that he has all of the good qualities of his teacher, and begins to disregard the bad thoughts because there is no way they could possibly be true at this point. One day, a fellow classmate tells Jonathan that he's not the teacher, so he doesn't have to do what he says. Jonathan takes this personally and begins a, for lack of better words, stereotyped rant about how he is better than the student, and that the student is stupid and doesn't know what they are talking about. Jonathan takes it too far and gets in trouble with his teacher. His teacher tells Jonathan why he got into trouble and starts pointing out bad behavior, however Jonathan doesn't believe that his behavior was bad, or rather doesn't want to. When he goes home, he breaks into another panic because the image he had built up of his teacher was shattered, because even his teacher could see that there was something wrong with him, and Jonathan knows that, but doesn't want other people to.

As Jonathan grows older, he starts building up images of several different types of people, until it gets unrealistic. So, Jonathan loves when people believe in the things he says that he is because that means its evidence against the bad thoughts. He talks down to and gets verbally aggressive to people who disagree with him because he has convinced himself that he is the person in this grandeur image. He degrades others that he thinks are better than him because he knows they are better, and if he can surpass them in superiority, it's just more evidence that he isn't the worthless person his conscience thinks he is.

Jonathan also has it a bit rough at home. His mother passed away right around the time his brother said those mean things, and his dad took a walk and never came home. So, he really only has one person that takes care of him and it was someone his dad handpicked to be there for his kids after their mother died. This person notices Jonathan's behavior, and he constantly tries to address it, but Jonathan just gets angry or doesn't want to talk about it because it all stems back to addressing whether or not he is a horrible person. It will be difficult for a long time to sit Jonathan down and fix the behavior because the problem wasn't addressed in the early stages, and has become a normal part of his routine and development.

Narcissists aren't bad people, they're just scared because they don't know how to handle their thoughts of worthlessness. The reason why narcissism is rare, being only 200,000 people diagnosed in the U.S., is because it's hard to sit them down and address the problem, and part of that is confronting those thoughts of worthlessness. It's not that they can't love or become incapable of loving, but their minds have grown dependent on quantity versus quality. They like hearing that they are good from multiple people because it's all evidence to mentally set aside to fight against anything that says they are less than what they think they are. They build themselves up and up, and when something minuscule shatters that illusion, all hell breaks loose in their minds and they sink lower and lower every time.

The reason why I want to address this is because the word has been plastering my news feed and flying from the mouths of my colleagues when they don't even know what real narcissists go through. It's not impossible for them to overcome their mental condition, but just requires a lot of patience, and a lot of love. It's not bad to encourage them, but it also depends on the setting. A lot of what helps Jonathan is that father-figure encouraging him and loving him when there aren't a lot of people around, because Jonathan will know that it is genuine and it didn't take a display of power to prove it.

I suppose my point, if anyone gets anything from this, is that every individual is struggling with something, sometimes they're just invisible to the human eye. So, I encourage you not to be quick to judge others, and to be compassionate to everyone that you see, because behind any form of bad behavior is somebody that is genuinely sad and just wants to be loved first and foremost. I will be the first to admit that I am a...savage. I'm not always nice and if I think that you're acting like an idiot, I will be the first to point it out. However, I express idiocy more than any other person that I know, and the personal experience I had with my hearing disorder just taught me how I can use my flaws and bad experiences to relate to other people who have it worse than me now.

If you think any of my information is flawed or wrong, I encourage you to come talk to me with the proper sources. But, just know that you are loved, and are loved especially by me.

If you want to hear more about Jonathan's whereabouts, cave into my spam of advertisement and read my book. I do my best to address every form of mental illness, so if there's a specific one you want to see, let me know.

Anyway, stay strong little Phantomhives. I've always believed in you.

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive

Back to Roleplaying

Hello my Followers,

What a drab, spending two years traveling for business away from my laptop

ESPECIALLY when Sebastian would often sneak a suitcase full of cats everywhere we traveled to.

My allergies are terrible.

Anyway, I am writing to announce that I will be actively engaging in social media again. Because I am constantly bombarded by investors and benefactors over Funtom, I will only be available for a few hours every day. I also may or may not need to reread some of my journal entries (a.k.a. wikipedia) to catch up on "current events."

I do not have a set time of when I will be online, but if I can manage to put a schedule together, I will update this post in a few days.

However, let me remind you of some rules  when roleplaying with me:

1. I do not do sexual roleplaying nor yaoi roleplaying. It is not something of interest to me, but if you are a nice girl that just wants a night on the town, I will happily oblige.

Since I may or may not have a Lizzy right now.

I'm awful.

2. If you want me to follow you back, mention me on Twitter. Let me emphasize that you MUST be a follower of my account to receive a follow back.

3. I am still a bit of a narcissist in every way, shape, or form. Hell, just take a look at this blog post. However, I hope I have taken this time as a role player to mature. I will make snarky comments, please know that they are not intended to be offensive. If I tweet something that has brought offense to you, I request that you personally message me and we will get that all resolved.

I probably had more rules at one point, but right now we are all here to have fun, so let us enjoy ourselves, here in my kingdom.

One final note:

As a businessman, I feel it is my responsibility and obligation to inform all of you of Funtom's new product. We are venturing beyond toys and candy and investing into literature.
The official Twitter for our new line of products is @bearerofbadnew1
If you follow and become one of our patrons, not only will you receive updates on the latest literature, but you will have opportunities to participate in contests and giveaways.
I will talk with my business associate about providing a discount for anyone that has role played with your Earl of Sweets, so please do me the honor and walk by my side once more beyond Twitter alone.

I am eager to join all of you on this social network once again, and please feel free to communicate with me openly and start RP's whenever you like.

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive

Writer Reveal

To think that the last blog post I wrote was on April 1st is kind of ironic, since I've finally decided to do that writer reveal. Most of you may have figured it out already, and I commend and apologize to you for doing so. The point of keeping my identity somewhat of a secret was to capture the magic of role play, for somebody to truly believe that the person on the other end was that character you so love. That magic, however, was gone the moment this quasi-hiatus of mine began.

In all honesty, school, work, my wedding, and poor mental health has really taken up my time and motivation to get onto Twitter. Another sense of irony, since I preached not to let such trivial things get in the way of what you love. I don't know if I have ever confided this to you, but as of April 2016 my dreams have died. I was going to school as a musician. My spring jury was the best I have ever performed, and my professor scheduled a lunch with me, and she told me she did this with all of her students. I thought it would be my plan of action for a music major. Instead, this meeting was scheduled to tell me that I am just too far behind in my playing, and that being a musician was an unrealistic goal for me. I stood up to her, and told her that even if they denied me the status, I would still take all the classes and do what I am supposed to so that way they would have to grant me the major status. It changed her tune a bit, and she agreed to work with me, but the experience of somebody that I looked up to telling me that I was basically garbage stuck with me, and continues to stick with me.

The cello was no longer something that I loved. It became an ever growing pain in my heart to pick up and play, because the haunting thoughts of not being good enough still chanted and chanted in my ears. I eventually came to the conclusion that these people were never going to grant me a major status, no matter how hard that I worked, so I transferred schools. The second school I went to told me that I couldn't get in as an instrumentalist, but to try the choir program to catch up with the curriculum. I did as I was told, and was denied entry. I transferred again, and met with an amazing cellist to see if he would give me the chance. He basically told me the same thing that my previous teacher told me, but said "I guess if you really want to, you can."

It broke my heart because nobody had faith in me. These much more experience people didn't see my potential, and I had to put in much more work and money I didn't have to learn from people that thought I just didn't happen.

So, I wrote a book.

My fiance took me by the hand, told me that I am an amazing writer, and with his creativity and my skill, we wrote and self-published our own book.

There have been a bit of bumps in the road, such as really bad editing on my part, cheesy language, and lack of page numbers, but now the final cover art is on there, my book is up to par, and I'm in love. I am so in love with the characters and the world they live in. Everything about this piece of art has been so much more than I could ever imagine conjuring. I don't care how many professors, critics, or even readers don't like it, I love this book, and I'm going to work hard to make sure that it stays up on the pedestal I have put it on.

I guess that's where you guys come in.

I know I have failed you as Ciel Phantomhive. I have failed a lot of you. But I beg that all of you take this amazing journey with me, and give me one more chance to help you find that little bit of magic that cause me to role play to begin with. I also know that I might be giving myself a bit too much praise, and that I wasn't an important role player as I thought. I just really need a fan base, and I didn't know who else to turn to except the people who helped me become a better writer and person to begin with.

I'll admit, I let the character of Ciel get to my head. I became arrogant, self-centered, and prideful as I realized that some people liked who I was. I was really rude to some people, and hell I even slaughtered them on this blog like I was some sort of entitled dictator! That wasn't the way to be, and the more I got to know so many of you, I realized how I wrong I have been, and I want to make it all up to you by taking your money.

I'm joking, even though it's a little bit true.

I promise, no, I solemnly swear that I will not waste your time with this upcoming book series. I swear to inspire you in turn for inspiring me. And when this whole thing takes off to greater heights, I swear I will take you with me. No artist in this world can function without the people backing them up, and whatever you will request of me, I will do my best to make it happen.

I love every single one of you, and the two and a half years I've been on here have been the greatest.

Even if I did forget to celebrate Ciel's birthday.

Before the big reveal, I have a few other things to reveal as well.

@LordCiel16 (if that is still your name) no words can form the apology that you deserve. Yes, I stole your Sebastian from you because I thought I was some self-entitled dictator. I was your friend, I am your friend, and I still did something horrible to you. I hope we can meet in person someday, since you are about twenty minutes away from me, and that I can fulfill any wish of yours, and make up for what I did to you. You've always been sweet to me and I have enjoyed your company profusely. I certainly hope that one day you could tolerate mine.

@meyrinmichaelis you deserve an apology as well. I have not only failed you as a master, but as a lover. Yes, I am your beloved Sebastian. I hated how nobody would role play with you, so I wanted to fulfill that part and let you live your dream. Instead, I barely logged on and left you saddened. I am so sorry, and I'm sorry for lying to you, but as I previously stated, I wanted to capture the magic, and you may have thought it a bit weird to be in love with your young master. I did enjoy you tucking me in almost every night, and for the sweet dates and adventures we went on. Maybe I could find the time and continue to make you happy, unless you've found somebody else. You have been through so much, and deserve so much more. I hope you can find true happiness someday.

(@LordCiel16 I am also sorry for failing you as a butler)

To all the Lizzies I went through, I'm sorry I went through you. I'm sorry for breaking up with you, or not wanting to fulfill certain role plays with you. I'm a bit of an odd duck, but that wasn't your fault. It was never your fault, but mine.

@nishkaxx you have become my greatest friend and I am so happy to have met you through this account. You have dried more tears than any of my real life friends could. You continue to make me laugh, and continue to make my life an absolute dream. I swear I'm coming to see you some day, and I swear it with all of my heart.

And last, but never least, @MangaButler. It's because of you that I wanted to become the greatest Ciel of all time. You were the one that showed me the magic, and all of the great things role playing could do for me. I've never been so honored to form a contract with you. You were practically a celebrity in my eyes, and hell you still are. I miss that we haven't been in contact, and I'm so sorry that I failed you as a master as well. You are one of my greatest friends as well and I would be literally nothing without you. You are amazing.

For the record, I'm not exactly quitting role playing, but I am still continuing my break because this book is what I need to focus on right now.

Wow.

I never thought I would be doing this so soon.

I pictured some sort of Funtom empire with all of you eating bonbons by my side.

Maybe this book will be the empire, and I'll build a castle, and all of you can come eat bonbons and watch movies

and eat pizza!

I love all of you, I truly do.

Copy and paste the link to see my name and photo.

Until we meet again~


https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B0754ZSP6S&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_QoStAbNTE3HCT

Goodbye Twitter

So, I guess by the title you know that this is it...

I made all of these promises to you, and I let you down.

I can't be on Twitter anymore, and, I hope you can understand why.

I guess it's time to spill the beans, but lately I've been getting the urge to serve a Mormon mission.

Yes, I'm LDS, I don't act like it, but, it's true.

I've been called to serve in the Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine Russian-speaking mission. I leave for the MTC next week, where I will learn how to speak Russian, and then I will depart to Ukraine for two years.

I know, I'm engaged to the most wonderful person I know, but we've both agreed that serving these missions will help us be better for each other, and that we need to put God first above all things.

I know that the LDS church is the true church, which is why I'm leaving for these two years. I may come back, I may not, but I hope you know that being on Twitter and being friends with all of you has been the most wonderful experience of my life.

And I especially want to thank @MangaButler.

You may have noticed he has changed his profile to Grell Sutcliff, well, that's because he has been released of service to me, and he has every right to explore whichever characters he desires.

I cannot promise that the duo you once loved will return to twitter, but you will always have him, and I hope that you will always look to him, for he is truly the most talented roleplayer I know.

I'd also like to thank @meyrinmichaelis, for her service to me as well. I couldn't have asked for a better maid, and I hope that @cieleater6 takes good care of you.

And for @phantomgardener, you've been the light of my life to be honest. I'll miss role-playing with you.

For @SassyCiel, @Nishkaxx, @tiny_jellybean, @cainraiser, @Miss_B_Miller, @silly_guse, @kinsley_sarah, and @sparkly_fae, you have been my best friends. Hopefully you will write letters to me to me. I can't imagine spending two years not logging online to talk to you. I'm sure going to miss you and I thank you for being my greatest friends.

To all of the Lizzies I've dated, you were pretty cool too.

And finally, to everyone who ever believed in this account, I couldn't be more grateful to you. Thanks for keeping me going when I couldn't anymore, and for building me up to feel so special. I wish I could repay you all.

Finally, I will reveal my writer to you, and every account that I control. It's a video that I made with the help of @MangaButler to thank you all for keeping this account going.

I'm afraid that this is goodbye, but God be with you until we meet again...

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive

https://youtu.be/Xvk6XBnuGQY

I'm Tired

Guys,

I'm tired.

I'm tired all the time.

I'm tired when I get home from work. I'm tired when I get home from school, I'm tired after a nice date with my SO, and I'm just...tired.

I hate how something comes up every summer.

Last year, my world was turned completely upside down.

The year before, I couldn't understand why the parents of my ex absolutely hated me.

This year, my dreams were shattered.

Yeah, my college recruited me because they wanted me in their music program, but then gave me a minor status, telling me to try out for a major in December.

I did,

They "didn't know" I was auditioning for one.

So they told me to try again in April.

I did,

They told me I was too far behind. In fact, I was way behind. I'm so far behind that graduating with a music major was too far out of my reach.

And I looked up to this person, I looked up to everyone in the music program, until they took away what mattered most to me.

Then...I just felt so tired.

I felt sick whenever I went to practice my instrument.

When I went to lessons, I came home feeling discouraged, and never wanted to pick up my instrument again.

I hated myself so much, that everything I was once passionate about became tasteless.

My instrument brought me to tears.

My writing felt bland.

And worst of all,

I lost interest in Twitter.

It's true that I became consumed by work and a new relationship I'm in (well, not so new) but only because I needed distractions.

I can't practice, write, or RP at work,

And my lover craves attention, and we are always out and about.

It kept me at a point where I didn't make time for the important things because I didn't feel important enough to do them.

I love roleplaying and all of my internet friends dearly, and I remember telling a lot of them that whenever they feel depressed to log on anyway, that they'll feel better.

That advice became lost to me for a while.

And even though it took a lot of praying, and a lot of pep talks from my family, I got the answers I needed.

I'm not going to let these college keep me from a music major.

Nope, I'm going to transfer.

It probably means that I'll spend less time on Twitter still, because I need to get my GPA up from a 3.75 to a 3.8 so I can get a full ride at said college.

But I love sitting and doing homework with my browser up, roleplaying with all of my friends.

Funny how school made me go on Twitter more...

Then again, I hated my classes.

I still probably will.

Anyway, I want to apologize once again for my inactivity, and to everyone who wanted to go to my ball tonight.

I was just being stupid today, and happened to hang out with my SO and forgot about what life is even about.

Well, if I can recall, it's not just about making the most of everything you do, but making the most of the moments you spend with friends.

Including all of you.

I have no idea when we will have the ball (whether it be tonight or this weekend) 

But I can't wait, and I miss you all.

I'll speak to you again soon.

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive 

Fan Theory Friday 6/3

I totally blanked about fan theory Friday last week, and tomorrow I won't have time to write up a blog.

So I figured I could do it real quick.

This weeks fan theory:

What Exactly is Cubone?

Cubone is an adorable Ground type Pokémon that holds a bone and wears a skull on its head, hiding what it really looks like. While Cubone might be some

generic Pokémon, the backstory of what really lies under that skull is much darker than one might think.

Recognize this little guy?

You have seen this Pokémon before, but he's usually blue, and often travels in the pouch of this guy:

Well, have you ever thought that the baby Kangaskhan has an uncanny resemblance to Cubone?

Especially when shown this picture:

So the theory is that when a Kangaskhan dies, the little baby it carries around places it's mothers skull on its head, thus becoming Cubone.

It makes sense, until presented with some fallacies with this theory.

As everyone knows, Cubone evolves into Marowak.

Now, if Cubone were really a baby Kangaskhan, why would it evolve into a completely different Pokémon. Marowak is clearly not a Kangaskhan, considering that Kangaskhan is an entire 4 feet taller and Marowak doesn't have a pouch.

Obviously, there is a theory that some baby Kangaskhan mutate into a Cubone through evolution.

It isn't impossible for this to happen. For example: Wurmple.

Wurmple can evolve into either Silcoon or Cascoon. Once that happens, a Silcoon has no chance of becoming Dustox and a Cascoon can't evolve into Beautifly.

So if baby Kangaskhan were to be raised, it could evolve into either Cubone by being given the skull of a Kangaskhan (since some Pokémon evolve with special stones) or by personality.

But here is what your Earl of Sweets thinks:

What if baby Kangaskhan isn't a Kangaskhan at all?

Think about it. If you've ever bred a Kangaskhan with a ditto, you'd know that an actual, adult Kangaskhan emerges from the egg, and it magically already has a baby in its pouch.

Pokémon logic.

Anyway, what if Cubone and Kangaskhan come from the same egg? Like they are some sort of twin? Since the trainer usually raises the Kangaskhan, the baby in its pouch has no battle experience whatsoever, unless separated from the Kangaskhan housing it.

Once that separation occurs (such as Kangaskhan dying) then can the baby leave the pouch, and be raised as Cubone and eventually into Marowak.

Lots of complicated reasons as to why baby Kangaskhan is Cubone and is possibly Missingno (if found without the skull) but I'm more interested in what you have to say.

I'd also like you to ponder this picture:

Shout out to @aloistangel for being the first to comment and discuss the last fan theory with me.

Fan Theory Friday 5/20

You guys suck.

No discussions for Fan Theory Friday?

I guess that's okay. I mean, if you like the posts, awesome, if not, whatevs.

I like them so Ima keep doing them.

Anyway, this weeks theory is:

Jar Jar Binks, most powerful Sith Lord in the universe?

I'd type it all in the blog, but after last week, I realized that big, elaborate theories like this don't receive the justice they deserve.

So, watch this video, and I'll tell you what I think:

http://youtu.be/8yy3q9f84EA

Crazy huh?

I am the most guillible person alive, so I do agree with this theory. I mean, I think it's a pretty radical, out there concept, but the thing that convinces me of it is Jar Jar's use of martial arts. 

In all of the attack scenes, he flawlessly is able to combat using his own clumsiness. And it occurs too much in order to be luck. 

So the fact that they didn't turn him into a villain really disappoints me, because I believe that if fans are really going to be upset over something like that, then it isn't your problem. 

It's your story, and it should be told the way you want it to be told, not the way other people want it to be. It would have been outrageous if that fight scene occurred between Yoda and Jar Jar! In fact, people would still be talking about it because that's how unpredictable it would have been.

I swear, the fact that canon is depleting in our society is something that should be protested.

Like,

Freaking blow our minds instead of going with the flow.

Anyway, share your thoughts with me, your friends, your family, your dog, and comment on the tweet with the link to this blog.

Credit for this weeks theory: @MangaButler