An Okay Day

My writer will take over this one.

When I woke up this morning, I should have been in a pitiful mood.

But, I wasn't.

I should have been angry, depressed, and crazy,

But, I wasn't.

I was actually in a good mood.

Breakfast wasn't bad.

I finished my studies early.

I sipped my tea and watched Finnian and his friend try to tame an angry Pluto.

I spoke to some new followers, socialized with old ones, and had an..."interesting" DM with Sebastian~

Everything was fine.

Then, I came across some things that irritated me. I started to feel annoyed and moody. I started taking my anger out on others, and then it hit me.

I started to have a bad day when I let the bad things get to me.

I guess that's why my writer made me in the first place, to distract them from all the bad things that can easily ruin their day.

It doesn't take much.

Something as simple as seeing a resemblance to someone they hate in the mirror is all it takes some days.

And then I realized something I should've realized years ago.

We can't control our triggers.

We can't control the memories, the pain, or the anxiety.

We can control our environment and choices, but it only does so much.

I strongly feel that a lot of you needed to read my blog from yesterday, and I'm still not sorry I posted it because there are people that need to hear it.

But, I ended up targeting my anger towards people that literally can't climb out of the darkness no matter how hard they try.

You see, someone lied to me once.

They told me all of these bad things that were happening to them, and I believed every word and told a lot of people so there could be awareness and prevention of a similar situation. About a week after sacrificing my time, giving that person a place in my own home, and fighting for them with all my might, they basically told me that everything they said was exaggerated.

Things weren't that bad for them.

They made it sound so much worse than it actually was.

And they denied some of the things I brought up too.

So for all I know, what they said could've been made up.

And I loved them.

I really, really loved them.

Now the only feeling I have left for them is hatred.

I hate their parents,

I hate their siblings,

I hate everything that reminds me of them.

And I regret ever helping them and being made a fool of.

But apparently, I still am foolish if I continue to let them blind me.

In January, one of my closest friends attempted suicide, and I didn't even know until weeks after it happened.

They had been sexually abused,

They cut horrible words onto their body,

And I wasn't there.

I wasn't there for my best friend.

I failed her when she needed me the most...

For those who are thinking that I don't know you or what you've been through, I do know.

I've seen it all too many times before.

I just forgot that there are true and genuine people out there, and not everything they say is a lie.

But, whether you're truly suffering or not, everyone has to get over their woes at some point.

Two years ago, I had the worst anxious/depressing period of my entire life. It was the first time I felt truly hopeless. But one day, I had the guts to swallow my pride, and I miraculously felt better.

If I had done that immediately, I wouldn't have had to suffer that pain.

But I needed to.

You see, sometimes in order to experience true happiness, we need to experience total misery and complete loneliness.

In order to be molded into a better, stronger person, we need to allow our hearts to soften.

And you have to be young and stupid to be old and wise.

I also want to say that if you ever feel like I hate you or that you're bothering me,

I swear you're not.

And I only really hate two people.

In fact, I love hearing from all of you.

And I will literally drop everything to be there when you need help.

Before deciding on being an English major, I planned on going into psychiatry.

I was researching different mental health cases when I came across one in a class presentation. This one girl suffered from bullemia. It was by far the worst case I've ever seen. In the video, she was in tears about how much it hurt, and that every doctor she visited told her that's she's basically "incurable."

The moment I heard those words,

I decided that no one should ever hear them ever again.

Whatever you may be dealing with, you are not a lost cause.

You are worth so much more than I could possibly express in words, and I cannot say it enough to just never give up.

I know some of you probably aren't religious, but I am.

I literally pray so hard for a lot of my followers, and I don't even know them.

I don't know any of you, but each and every one of your lives is precious to me. I can't express it enough.

The thought of losing just one of you to a battle everyone says you can't win literally kills me.

I promise, I will be the one right here telling you that you will win it. I have no doubts that you can do it, and no desire to break that promise.

Always DM me if you have something you can't deal with on your own, or if you simply want to talk.

Never stop RPing. Like I said, it's an escape, it's a distraction, and it's meant to make people happy. There is nothing I want more than a smile on your face, and for me to allow myself to be soft once more.

There is a light and dark side to every person,

Learn to love every side of you, and it will be easier to love everything else.

Goodnight my loyal pawns.

Remember, if you make it to the end of the chessboard, 

You can become a more powerful piece.

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive