The Fight

Hello there.

My apologies for not writing these blogs lately.

To be honest, I haven't really had anything to write about.

Nothing exciting has happened lately so I've been kind of lacking.

So, I decided to write about that, and maybe a little bit about my writer.

I feel like nothing exciting has happened because I merely haven't reached out. Things were fun a few months ago, but now my social circle has been slowly shrinking to about 2-5 people.

Compared to having 5 different RPs going on at once, this is bad.

So, instead of waiting for people to reach out to me, I should reach out to them. I will start random RPs from now on. I will ask first of course, but if I want excitement, then I need to start it.

I guess that can be a life lesson.

But I'll make my point later.

My writer has had a rough week. They've been having panic attacks everyday, yesterday they were depressed and mad, and lately things have seemed kind of, well, pointless. There's really no motivation anymore.

I'd also like to apologize for any recent behavior of mine. I've been a little rude lately, a lot more than usual, so I hope you can forgive me for my inappropriate behavior.

As far as me, well, my writer, personally, I have felt nothing more than emptiness. I just feel mad at everyone, I feel afraid to be in touch with my real feelings. I feel like I've started to withdraw and conceal myself from others.

I didn't realize this until a friend of mine asked me why I don't open up.

I always thought it was because I never really had the opportunity to,

But in reality,

I'm afraid to.

What if I just let everything out at once? I may not be able to handle those feelings. I found it was better to just ignore them, but they're always nagging at me like some form of guilt.

Why do I always feel guilty and wrong?

Am I making bad choices?

Am I a bad person?

No,

I just won't let anyone in to help me, because I'm afraid of the aftermath.

Now, as far as my life lesson I mentioned earlier.

If I want excitement, motivation, and drive to do what I want, I need to go out and find it.

I can't wait for things to magically get better, I need to take the initiative to make things better.

If I'm turning away from myself and others, then I need to face those things and connect myself to the world and my life again.

The same can go for you.

If you aren't happy with the way things are, it's up to you to make them better.

We aren't children anymore. We can't depend on others around us to fix everything and make it okay. We need to do it ourselves.

And if we never learn the skills to do that,

How can we make everything okay for the children of our own?

It's scary as Hell,

Believe me, I know,

But life is meant to be Hell-like. 

It will tear us down and rid us of our hope,

But the test is how we overcome it and make our own personal Heavens on Earth. 

Sorry if this was a little depressing, but I've said all that I've needed to say.

Have a wonderful weekend my loyal pawns.

Your Earl of Sweets,

Ciel Phantomhive